Vacationer's Ultimate Recovery Program

Vacation is hard. Especially with little kids. Sure, they get to see their cousins. Sure, it's fun swimming and playing video games all night. Sure, it's fun feeding ice cream to your lactose-intolerant toddler He-Man, but when does the madness stop?

I have begun a new program to help pathetic vacation addicts. It's called the Vacationer's Ultimate Recovery Program. Or VURP.

My 11 step program will get you over your Vacation Delusion or VD. Why did vacations stop being relaxing when you turned 7? And why do you keep taking them?

1. Try to balance your checkbook now, buddy boy. Good luck. You won't actually be able to do this step: it's the trying that gets you to see reality.

2. Lay yourself down in a comfortable bed with your own pillow.

3. Now sleep in that bed.

4. Don't get out of bed.

5. Stay there all day if you can.

6. When you get up, make yourself some real food that Adam or Eve may have eaten. Make something that you would never find at McDonald's. This food item should be dissimilar to anything that might be found in a hotel couch cushion that you might have eaten because you were too busy defending Middle Earth via the Wii to get off of the hotel couch cushion.

7. Now take a nap.

8. Ignore the children's needs for a just a few more minutes. "Get out! Just a few more minutes! Out!"

9. Get up and stretch your neck.

10. Eat some chocolate.

11. Look at your checkbook one more time.

You should now be cured. Congratulations, and remember, Just Say No!

You have now passed the 11-step VURP course. You are a VURP Master!