Chad Howland

Minimally Invasive Surgery

2010-03-22T11:37:00.000-06:00

In addition to working with Element SEO, I am working with a friend of mine who happens to be a genius. He has designed and patented a cool bendy tube thingy that rich robotic surgery companies can do some awesome smart something with to make gall bladder surgery patients have 1 very tiny scar instead of 3 kind of small scars.

Obviously, my level of technical understanding ain't up to par, but I've seen this thing and it's brilliant. It is so simple, small, strong, and flexible, that no one will be able to match it. No one can make it so easy to manufacture or eco-friendly. It has no mechanical joints, so that means it's cheaper to make, has an infinite life, and requires no lubrication.

Pretty sweet, eh? So, basically, in my spare time, I am changing the current 3 scar minimally invasive surgery standard down to 1. Yeah, in my spare time. Imagine what I could do if I only had hundreds of minions to do these simple tasks for me. I could focus on the really important things. Like finding Atlantis and stuff.

Google Rankings

2009-10-19T12:21:00.000-06:00

I am now on the first page of Google for "Angle hair pasta" and "Bear of very little brain" and "A bear of very little brain." Yes, that's "angle" and not "angel."

I am awesome. I just can't seem to spell.

Check out http://www.semrush.com/ to find out what dumb terms your website is ranked for. Type the URL of your site and then you'll see what you're ranked for and who your competitors are for those terms. That way, if you have computer hacking skills, you can take them out and you'll be the #1 listing for great terms like "a bear of very little brain" or "angle hair pasta."

Good luck, everyone, and please remember that hacking is illegal.

My Children Have Super Powers

2009-10-04T21:39:00.001-06:00

The first picture is a close up of Joseph's eye. The second is a photograph of a flame in zero-gravity.

This goes to prove my point that Joseph cannot be controlled by gravity. I further propose that he cannot be controlled by any of the laws of nature. Also, he is on fire.

He has superpowers. He can turn you livid faster than a speeding bullet. He can also control your brain so you can't be mad after he's had his way with you.

He's not the only one, either.

Adelaide has a death grip.

I kind of like that power. She can hypnotize as well as Joseph can. Look what she did to her baby brother. He is now an avid thumb sucker.

German's only power is that he can smile all day without getting tired of it. I wish the rest of us had that one.

The Best Christmas Movies (Besides George Lucas's)

2009-10-01T12:32:00.000-06:00

It's now October, and the Christmas season has officially begun at our house. It's cold today, I'm done with me Christmas shopping, and we don't like Halloween, so what else do we need to get this thing started?

Christmas means a lot of things: Jesus, presents, egg nog, hot chocolate, food allergies, stockings, Christmas lights, fires, firefighers, emergency rooms, more egg nog.

To me, Christmas means warm blankets and great movies (and Jesus and presents). So, to get into the Christmas spirit, I thought I'd write about my favorite Christmas movies. I have to preface this with a statement that I still have never seen the original Miracle on 34th Street. That being disclosed, let's get on with it.

I'm told that The Empire Strikes Back doesn't count as a Christmas movie, but what about those reindeer Luke and Han ride around on? And isn't Hoth just a metaphor for the North Pole?

#3. A Christmas Story. Funny, funny, funny. This is the most accurate portrayal of an 8 year old boy that I've seen since I was on a playground during recess in Mrs. Tindall's 3rd grade class. This isn't exactly a little kid's movie, but it is nothing foreign to us kids who have since grown up.

#2. A Christmas Carol with Alastair Sim. Alastair Sim's tour de force performance hasn't been trumped in over 50 years of adaptations. The Grinch would shrink from Sim's miser of misers. From oppressor to frightened old man to rebirth, Sim is not just believable but makes the watcher believe his transformation is possible for anyone.

Coming in at #1 is It's a Wonderful Life. When you put James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore, Thomas Mitchell and Frank Capra together, you have a winning combination. This is one of the funniest, most inspirational, true-to-life, unsentimental/sentimental (that's a new category I just made up) movies made in the 1940s (which was the greatest decade for movies, by the way).

With characters like George Bailey, Mr. Potter, the angel Clarence, and the original Bert and Ernie, who can pass up a chance to watch this Auld Lang Syne classic? Nobody, that's who. This is Frank Capra's best movie, James Stewart's best performance (and one of the greatest ever), and a wonderful story.

And there's a hand, my trusty friend!
And give us a hand o' thine!
And we'll take a right good-will draught (of egg nog, of course),
For Auld Lang Syne!

Ads for Education

2009-09-29T13:32:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed the ads on my blog. Every time an ad is clicked, I receive a check in the mail. Every penny goes to the college funds of underpriveleged children (mine).

So, the next time you think about not clicking on a Toyota ad, just remember the children who may never go to college because of your neglect.

Be considerate. Click on ads when they interest you. I'm trying my best to make this blog interesting and fun, the least you can do is help me exploit it a bit for the future generation. Stop being so cheap, people.

Sundance in Autumn

2009-09-27T20:37:00.000-06:00

Melanie and I try to go up by Sundance and Aspen Grove every autumn when the leaves are changing colors. Here is one of my masterpieces from today. Isn't the composition brilliant? I think I'm going to frame it. What an ARTIST! I amaze myself sometimes, and between you and me, that's something.

Cheesecake

2009-09-27T20:33:00.000-06:00

This is a twist on one of Junior's cheesecakes. (Junior's is a New York restaurant famous for cheesecake.) This is EASY and YUMMY. This cake is easier than almost any other cake I've made, so forget that stuff about cheesecakes being difficult. All ingredients get mixed in a stand mixer and then straight onto the crust.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place 8 oz. (1 package) of full-fat cream cheese (you'll need a total of 3 cream cheese packages), 1/3 cup of sugar, and 3 tablespoons of corn starch in a stand mixer, beating on low for about 3 minutes. You'll have to scrape down the sides a couple of times.

Blend in 16 oz. (2 packages) more of cream cheese. Increase speed to medium, add in 1 cup of sugar and 1 tablespoon of vanilla. Blend in 2 eggs, 1 at a time, and beat well. Then beat in (barely, do NOT overbeat) 2/3 cup of heavy whipping cream.

Melanie melts 1/4 cup of butter and mixes it with 24 graham crackers (6 full sheets), a teaspoon of sugar (just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way), and a pinch of salt.

Place graham cracker crust in the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan. Wrap the bottom of the pan in foil because it will go in a water bath and you don't want soggy cheesecake. If you don't have a springform or don't want to mess with wrapping it, you can use a pie dish but it needs to be deep or the filling won't fit.

Spoon in the cheesecake mixture and place the springform pan in a shallow dish filled with water. This keeps the cheesecake from cracking and drying out.

Bake for just over an hour. The top should be nice and golden but not cracked. Let it cool for an hour or two before placing it in the refrigerator. (You may want to place it in the freezer so you can cut clean slices and then move it to the refrigerator.) It will need to be in the refrigerator for about 4 hours before eating. Too bad, you'll have to wait.

A Trivial Quiz And My Totally Biased Answer

2009-09-27T20:03:00.000-06:00

Question: What do these books and authors have in common?

Canterbury Tales

The Bible

Shakespeare

Walt Whitman

Huck Finn

Tolkien

Dr. Seuss

Answer: You linguists out there might be thinking that these are the definitive English works. Well, if you are, you're wrong.

Name a better character than Piglet. Hamlet--close but no cigar. How about Pooh? Sorry, Bilbo. How about Tigger? Puck is Shakespeare's best attempt, but Tigger is better. And he's not obnoxious.

The definitive English work is Winnie the Pooh because it is really funny and I said so. You need to stop arguing and go read it, okay, because then you'll know that I'm totally biased and right.

The Black Stallion Returns...Only to Be Eaten

2009-09-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

I love the Black Stallion. It's a fantastic and beautiful movie directed by Caroll Ballard (another man named Caroll) and starring Mickey Rooney and Teri Garr and a really cute little kid, Kelly Reno (that's a boy named Kelly--what's with these film men with girl names?). Melanie went to the library last week and checked out "The Black Stallion Returns" because she thought Joseph and I would like it.

Joseph enjoyed it. I never got a chance.

Here's his mugshot. Joseph was taken in for questioning regarding the eating of a local library DVD. He reluctantly confessed.

The Third Man

2009-09-23T16:46:00.000-06:00

The Third Man is one of my favorite movies. With a bit of noir, a bit of romance, a bit of cynical comedy, this post-war film shot in Vienna is one of the best of all time. It's Casablanca + steroids + more mood - the great lines + some grit. It stars our old Citizen Kane/War of the Worlds buddy, Orson Welles, and the painfully underrated Joseph Cotten. The music is all zither from Anton Karas--the theatrical trailers said "his zither will have you in a dither." I'm sure that's the corniest thing I've ever heard, but the music is amazing and I've never heard a more appropriate score.

The movie is directed by Carol Reed. Isn't Carol a woman's name? Not on your life, Buddy. Carol's only the greatest British film director ever, ever, ever, of all time, ever.

If you want great shots, great music, great acting, great location, and the first ever sewer chase scene plus death threats from the top of a ferris wheel, this is the movie for you. Check it out, you won't regret it...unless you can't get the music out of your head because it has you in a dither.

Adelaide, oh, Adelaide, ever-lovin' Adelaide

2009-09-22T20:50:00.000-06:00

Go to the 23 July 2009 posting on this blog and you'll see one key-OOT little girl (you should see her mom...grrr).
giovannalou.blogspot.com

She is the princess to all princesses. She likes the dressing up, the parties, the fundraising socials, the ceremonies, the hors d'oeuvres the limousines, and the catwalks. Give her what she wants and get out of the way. Girl Power!

The Great Buck Howard

2009-09-21T14:34:00.000-06:00

The Great Buck Howard has Napoleon Dynamite flair and rocking soundtrack but with a plot and an awesome cast with John Malkovich, Colin Hanks, and Emily Blunt.

This is one quirky, funny movie that all Howlands and Ellsworths will soon be quoting around the dinner table as they choke on their last bite of ham.

Buck Howard is a grumpy, demanding has-been entertainer who still thinks he's at the top of his game (do you see how this guy could easily fit into the family?).

Everybody go see it tonight.

This isn't the OK Buck Howard, or The Pretty Good Buck Howard. This is the GREAT Buck Howland. I mean Howard. The Great Buck Howard.

My Revolutionary Twin

2009-09-20T15:05:00.000-06:00

Revolutionary Twins

It's a little unnerving to read about yourself in a history book. I would have liked to meet him, but would hate how much he cramped my style.

At 33, Nathanael Greene was an officer in the American army, had been a full-time soldier for only six months, had never served in a campaign, and had never been on a battlefield. He was a Quaker of "robust physique" though had a slight limp since childhood and mild asthma.

David McCullough says he was "no ordinary man. He had a quick, inquiring mind and uncommon resolve. He was extremely hardworking, forthright, good-natured, and a born leader...Washington had judged Nathanael Greene to be 'an object of confidence.'"

He was a "'cheerful, vigorous, thoughtful' young man who, like his father, loved a 'merry jest or tale,' who did comic imitations, and relished the company of young ladies, while they, reportedly, 'never felt lonely where he was.' Once, accused by a dancing partner of dancing stiffly, because of his bad leg, Nathanael replied, 'Very true, but you see I dance strong.'"

"His defects were perceived to be a certain 'nervous temperament' and susceptibility to poor health, impetuousness, and acute sensitivity to criticism. Full-grown, he was a burly figure...with the arms and shoulders of a foundryman, and handsome...A broad forehead and a full, 'decided' mouth were considered his best features, though a soldier sent to deliver a message to the general would remember his 'fine blue eyes, which struck me with a considerable degree of awe, the I could scarcely deliver my message.'"

I have fine green eyes, not fine blue eyes.

He believed that anyone could "learn whever was required...by the close study of books."

"Whatever he lacked in knowledge or experience, he tried to make up for with 'watchfulness and industry.'"

So, maybe he's not my twin, but you may recognize more than a few similarities. Half of me was bummed when I read this: I thought my character was unique. Oh, well. The other half of me wanted to meet this guy after I give up my acute sensitivity to criticism and my nervousness.

Pizza, Pizza

2009-07-24T16:30:00.003-06:00

Have you ever had a great pizza at home? I mean one that wasn't delivered and that has less salt than the Dead Sea. Have you made a pizza at home but the dough didn't cook or it just tasted bland? Here's a pizza recipe that will put pizza delivery and even gourmet pizza parlors out of business. This is better than the best pizzas most people eat--and it's easy. Thank you, Wolfgang Puck!

In the bowl of a stand mixer, dissolve 2 1/2 tsp (1 packet) active dry yeast in 1 cup warm water. Add 1 tsp honey and stir together. Let sit for 3 minutes and stir in 1 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil.

Combine 3 cups all-purpose flour and 1 tsp salt and add to yeast mixture. Mix all together and knead at low speed for 2 minutes, then at medium speed about 5 minutes.

You can finish kneading by hand for 2 minutes, but I don't think it is necessary.

Lightly oil a bowl, put dough in on one side, then flip to the other so both sides are oiled. Tightly cover the bowl and leave in a warm spot to rise for 30 minutes or more.

Divide the dough (I divide into 2 or 4 pizzas, depending on what size pizza I want) and shape each ball then roll around under your palm until smooth and firm. Cover the balls and let rest for 30 minutes. You can put them in the refrigerator for use later or use the dough right after it has rested.

When ready to cook pizzas, preheat oven to 500 degrees. Heat baking stone or baking sheet in the oven. Press out the dough--begin by pressing down the middle of the ball with the heel of your hand and spread it out from there into a circle. Form a slightly thicker, raised rim around the edge of the pizza.

I put the pizza dough on some foil so I can easily transfer the pizzas to the hot baking stone or baking sheet. Brush some olive oil on the pizza, but not on the rim.

Put some marinara or pesto sauce on the dough. Top with cheeses--try mozzarella and fontina, or some Gruyere.

Pizza 1. I love it with just our homemade pesto, Parmesan, and fontina.

Pizza 2. I can't resist a marinara, mozzarella, goat cheese, Italian sausage, pepperoni, thin-sliced ham, and thyme pizza.

Pizza 3. Melanie likes a marinara pizza with mozzarella, fresh pineapple, and thin-sliced ham.

Pizza 4. Recently, she has been eating veggie pizzas without cheese because the baby doesn't digest dairy easily. She starts by putting a marinara sauce on the pizza. Saute sliced portabellini mushrooms in olive oil, fresh oregano, and garlic. Put mushroom mixture, artichoke hearts, and sliced tomatoes on the pizza.

Bake the pizzas at 500 degrees for about 10 minutes. Make sure the baking stone or baking sheet is preheated or you'll have a soggy inner dough. The cheese should be bubbling and the crust should be golden brown.

Remove the pizzas, cut into slices, and eat it up, yum.

Harry Potter

2009-07-24T13:08:00.014-06:00

I decided that their aren't enough self-proclaimed movie experts who post their reviews online. It's hard to find out what people think about blockbuster movies these days (sarcasm intended). With that in mind, I thought I should increase the pool of untrained online movie reviewers who, well, review movies online.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is easily the best movie of the bunch. The others (even the great Prisoner of Azkaban) just tried too hard. They used spectacle to numb minds into thinking that something more substantial was happening. This is a real movie with real motives and real people. There is only one scene (when Dumbledore and Harry pick up Slughorn) that magic is meant to be showy and exciting, but Dumbledore's self-deprecating lines makes it seem less forced and showy and more fun.

The director, David Yates, does a good job of pacing and of keeping things interesting by focusing on the characters, their thoughts, struggles, and motives. This is a very romantic movie, true to the emotions and feelings of the characters. It is confident in making changes and adding what is appropriate to create a real story out of a very complicated mess of Rowling's book.

Jim Broadbent as Professor Slughorn shows depth that isn't in the books. Broadbent's Slughorn is a sad, pathetic, and broken man. His life's ambitions have brought little of what matters in the end, and this aging, reaching character is brought to sad and satirical life by a great actor. Between Broadbent, Gambon, and Rickman, I sometimes forgot that this movie was about the very able Daniel Radcliffe's character.

Michael Gambon's Dumbledore is less intrusive and more somber, I assume because he has enough screen time in this movie to get his views across more subtly than he has in the past.

Daniel Radcliffe gets better and better as Harry. He never disappoints with his thoughtful performance. He is no kid actor anymore and could carry any part handily. I think I might have had as much fun watching Harry take the Felix Felices potion as Radcliffe had acting outside his normal Potter role--it was hard to tell. He was brilliantly funny.

Alan Rickman is a perfect Snape as usual. He also gets more screen time, so he changes his normally cold, comic relief performance into something with a little more bite to it.

Thank goodness Emma Watson gave up her quavering Hermione voice for more subdued speech. She is not overacting in this one and doesn't deliver a bad line. In fact, most of her lines aren't just adequate, they are sensitive and truly thoughtful.

Rupert Grint is reduced to dumb show and Monty Python-esque comic relief. He let his quiet charm in awkward situations be the laughs in the previous film, but in this one, he is less than charming and maybe even annoying.

Bonnie Wright's Ginny is very good. Thank heavens they finally put some make-up on her and had Harry stand on a box when next to her.

Tom Felton is a much deeper Draco Malfoy instead of the bumbling creep he's played until now. He shows a real struggle and is looking a little like James Stewart, though he doesn't quite show the flair. I know he has it: I loved him in Anna and the King.

This movie is shot as beautifully as Prisoner of Azkaban, though less flambouyantly (which is probably a good thing). The color palette has lots of grays and earth tones with shots of bright, warm colors at dramatic moments (like when Dumbledore is defending Harry from an army of dead people puppets with a wall of fire issuing from his wand). Speaking of dead people puppets, I'm surprised every kid and nerdy adult collector in the world doesn't have their own army of dead people puppets. Toys R Us, here's a hint: make little dead people puppets, like the molded red plastic cowboys and Indians I used to play with before I cared that the poor Indians always lost.

The music is a lot more grown up than John Williams's melodic bells and simple strings. This music has a soul to it that I wouldn't expect in a "children's movie" (which this probably isn't, by the way, because they'd be bored out of their minds with the character development and leisurely pacing).

Anyone else love this Harry Potter? I had a lot of fun. I've had to convince my wife twice already that "we don't need to go see it again today, Honey. We just say it yesterday."

A Bear of Very Little Brain

2009-07-24T12:31:00.008-06:00

Pooh sat down on a large stone, and tried to think this out. It sounded to him like a riddle, and he was never much good at riddles, being a Bear of Very Little Brain. So he sang Cottleston Pie instead:

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie."

That was the first verse. When he had finished it, Eeyore didn't actually say that he didn't like it, so Pooh very kindly sang the second verse to him:

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
A fish can't whistle and neither can I.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie."

Eeyore still said nothing at all, so Pooh hummed the third verse quietly to himself:

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie,
Why does a chicken, I don't know why.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
"Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie."

"That's right," said Eeyore. "Sing. Umty-tiddly, umty-too. Here we go gathering Nuts and May. Enjoy yourself."
"I am," said Pooh.
"Some can," said Eeyore.

Murphy's law says that if anything can go wrong, it will. I don't think life is that bad.

My own law would be split into 2 parts:

When you really need to think, you will find that you are a Bear of Very Little Brain.
When a positive attitude is key, you'll find that your heart is at Pooh's Corner with a certain gloomy burro.

So, life doesn't abide by Murphy's law. Everything works out perfectly in life except when you need it to. So, life is great if you don't really mind the particulars or the timing.

You could care about nothing, but that makes me--and maybe most people?--miserable.

So, how do you care about things without caring too much?

I'm a Bear of Very Little Brain right now, so I'll defer to Dr. Seuss:

Some are old. And some are new. Some are sad. And some are glad. And some are very, very bad.
Why are they sad and glad and bad?
I do not know. Go ask your dad.

Let's hang out at Pooh's Corner and think, think, think. Let's just not think too hard all the time.

Grin and Bear of Very Little Brain it.

Hammer Time!

2009-07-21T14:46:00.000-06:00

Thor

2009-07-21T14:13:00.003-06:00

Is anyone who isn't my brother-in-law excited that Kenneth Branagh is directing Thor: God of Thunder?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800369/

Brian Blessed as Odin? Rock my world. No one could be Odin like Hamlet's dear departed dad.

Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Jessica Biel, and Samuel L. Jackson? Okay, it's got to make some money, too, I guess.

So, I'm a little torn. Thor is weird and sounds like some midnight salami sandwich inspired dream. How do you not make this story become a campy, nerdy mess?

I don't know, but my Trekker wife is pretty excited to find out how Mr. Shakespeare/Laurence Olivier wannabe makes it happen or loses all respect trying.

Hammer Time!

Brownies from scratch

2009-07-20T15:29:00.006-06:00

Can you make ooey, gooey, chocolate brownies that aren't from a box? No? I can. And there ain't no vegetable oil, neitha.

And they're fast enough to keep up with your fleeting chocoholic cravings. Done in about 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Melt 1/2 cup (1 stick) of butter and 4 oz. of chocolate and let cool (if it doesn't cool, you'll have heavy and dry brownies).

You can use the cheap Hershey's cocoa mixed with shortening or you can use expensive chocolate--the taste isn't much different for some food science reason far above us.

Beat 4 eggs (they should be at room temperature) and 1/4 tsp salt until light and foamy.

While beating, gradually add 2 cups sugar and 1 tsp vanilla. Beat until well creamed.

Gently and with as few strokes as possible, fold chocolate mixture into eggs and sugar. You better do this by hand.

Before completely uniform, fold in 1 cup all-purpose flour.

Before that is uniform, fold in 1 cup pecan meats. Pecans are yummy, but I like a major chocolate kick and nuts are the shin guards. Just give me a quick kick with a chocolate overload.

Instead of pecans, I like to add 1 cup chocolate chips. Don't use nasty chocolate chips for this, get a good brand of chocolate.

Bake in a greased 9 x 13 pan (or smaller if you like fat brownies like I do) about 20 minutes.

You better grab a big fork, a large bowl, some fresh whole milk, and a frozen mug, because I smell a party going on. You might even get away with watching Roman Holiday or Little Women while cuddling with a blanket and talking to your mom on the phone while you cry because you just ate all the brownies and are going to make one more batch even though you know you shouldn't.

Vacationer's Ultimate Recovery Program

2009-07-20T14:50:00.002-06:00

Vacation is hard. Especially with little kids. Sure, they get to see their cousins. Sure, it's fun swimming and playing video games all night. Sure, it's fun feeding ice cream to your lactose-intolerant toddler He-Man, but when does the madness stop?

I have begun a new program to help pathetic vacation addicts. It's called the Vacationer's Ultimate Recovery Program. Or VURP.

My 11 step program will get you over your Vacation Delusion or VD. Why did vacations stop being relaxing when you turned 7? And why do you keep taking them?

1. Try to balance your checkbook now, buddy boy. Good luck. You won't actually be able to do this step: it's the trying that gets you to see reality.

2. Lay yourself down in a comfortable bed with your own pillow.

3. Now sleep in that bed.

4. Don't get out of bed.

5. Stay there all day if you can.

6. When you get up, make yourself some real food that Adam or Eve may have eaten. Make something that you would never find at McDonald's. This food item should be dissimilar to anything that might be found in a hotel couch cushion that you might have eaten because you were too busy defending Middle Earth via the Wii to get off of the hotel couch cushion.

7. Now take a nap.

8. Ignore the children's needs for a just a few more minutes. "Get out! Just a few more minutes! Out!"

9. Get up and stretch your neck.

10. Eat some chocolate.

11. Look at your checkbook one more time.

You should now be cured. Congratulations, and remember, Just Say No!

You have now passed the 11-step VURP course. You are a VURP Master!

Musical Theory

2009-07-13T17:27:00.007-06:00

So, musical theory--I have one.

I think I may revolutionize the world of art and composition. Or at least increase sales of Red Bull among the starving artists with beards and vacant stares.

It is no secret that Mozart's 40th symphony changed the musical world. But what no one else has been sure of until now (this is the part that will make me famous among the Beards) is that Mozart was inspired by caffeine.

Here comes my proof. We'll use today's case study as our primary evidence (and sole inspiration for my theory). Notice I changed the subject of the last sentence to the plural so I can dish off some responsibility for my claim or to appear humble to the Beards who create artwork of Renaissance beauty and Twitter about me constantly after this.

Exposition:
First theme -- My toddler son Joseph (or "someone") sees his sister take Tylenol. Mom leaves the room, he moves the stool to the medicine shelf. This theme is happy with some darkness developing under the surface.
Second theme -- Joseph gets the Excedrin, a divine combination of acetaminophen, aspirin, and caffeine. This theme is much more sinister than the first.
Cadence theme -- Joseph (in a series of chords, hence the cadence) takes several Excedrin. The cadence theme is usually fast, because Mom might be back any second.

Development:
Here's where the fun begins. All I want to say about this is that I'm not a big fan of modulations.
Retransaction -- This part of the day is the letdown. It happens after your protagonist (or is it antagonist?) has been in the ER for three hours.

Recapitulation:
Do we have to go through this again? Goodness, Mozart. I've had enough.
First theme -- Joseph's dad (why did Mom stay home?) is given a cupful of charcoal to spoon into Joseph's mouth. This theme is more depressing this time.
Second theme -- Joseph gets the charcoal: Satan's attempt at making Dad's day more miserable. This theme is more evil and loud than it was in the Exposition.
Cadence theme -- Joseph throws it all back up several times. Yes, the charcoal. The cadence theme is usually fast, because Joseph wants to catch Dad off-guard.

Coda:
When we get home, Joseph throws up on the rug just to make sure we've developed this music as far as it can go.

The music ends on that note with Dad eating some heavily caffeinated chocolate while wearing a Vacant Stare....

Keep on Rockin' in the Free World

2009-07-12T21:44:00.003-06:00

Intimidating Jimmy Page

Angle Hair Pasta with Broccoli and Goat Cheese

2009-07-12T20:25:00.013-06:00

The easiest and best quick dinner that doesn't taste quick. Thank you, Wolfgang Puck.

Put 1 1/2 cup of chicken stock in a saucepan over medium-high heat and let reduce for 15 minutes. Set aside.
Saute 1/2 pound of tiny broccoli florets in a tablespoon of olive oil over medium-high heat for 2 minutes until they are bright.
Toast 1 tablespoon of pine nuts (we use more like 1/4 cup--yum) in dry saute pan over low heat until golden.
Add 4 oz. fresh, creamy goat cheese to chicken stock, a teaspoon of fresh (or 1/2 tsp dried) thyme, pepper, 3 tablespoons butter, and sauteed broccoli. Remove from heat but keep warm. (We use French Chevre goat cheese. If you use imported and not fresh domestic like we do, you have to make sure the cheese melts thoroughly or the sauce will be gritty.)
Cook 12 oz. of angel hair pasta, al dente. Drain, add noodles to sauce, and toss.
Garnish with pine nuts and yum, yum, yum.

Yum.

Heaven in 20 minutes.

The General

2009-07-11T21:22:00.004-06:00

I just finished watching Buster Keaton's "The General": a silent film released in 1927. It is his best movie and Keaton is wonderful. He is known as the Great Stoneface because he never looks amused no matter how silly the stunt. He is a subtle actor and a brilliant director. He sets up his physical gags perfectly. His life revolves around his train, The General, and his girl, Annabelle Lee. When his train is stolen with his girl on board, Johnnie Gray--Keaton's character--goes to save them both from dozens of soldiers. He pulls out all the stops with train car gags, switching station gags, parallel train track gags, cannon gags, and even bear trap gags. You know the ones I mean; you've seen them copied a hundred times. Johnnie Gray, is brave and honorable, though a little dimwitted. Buster Keaton's acting and directing do him justice.

Charlie Chaplin, on the other hand, always grinned for the camera and went for pure sentimentality. I love his "City Lights" because it is romantic, loud, pure entertainment. He is anything but subtle. His gags are all overdone and drag on and on. Chaplin's character, The Tramp, is a total bum with few redeeming qualities. Chaplin hits the right balancing notes for The Tramp only in "City Lights" with his overly sensitive and noble quest to cure a blind girl that he has fallen for. Chaplin wrote the beautiful vaudeville music himself, or at least hummed it to the composer. The whole movie is flashy but perfect.

Thinking about these two movies, I know I should like "The General" better. I did love it. The gags themselves top anything Chaplin ever did. But for some reason, I keep thinking of what Cosmo Brown told Don Lockwood in "Singin' in the Rain".

You can study Shakespeare and be quite elite
You can charm the critics and have nothing to eat
Just slip on a banana peel, the world's at your feet
Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!

Keaton, you're brilliant. Your stoneface, your direction, your instinct for timing would make Orson Welles blush.

Give me banana peels and cheap laughs.

All In A Day's Work

2009-07-11T14:22:00.004-06:00

The company I work for is the best search engine optimization company around. We help professionals get their websites to the top of Google searches. They tell us what keyword searches they want to be found for and we take it from there.

I have a new dental client in Carlsbad, California that signed a contract with us on June 15.

Here where they were ranked in Google for these keywords:

"Carlsbad dentist" 247th (they were on the 25th page of search results)
"Carlsbad dental" 11th
"Carlsbad dentists" 271st
"Dentist Carlsbad CA" 17th
"Dentists Carlsbad CA" not in first 200 search results

Eight days later, they were ranked 2nd, 1st, 4th, 5th, and 4th for the same keywords in Google. Man, I'm good.

They've bounced around a little in the top 6 this month. They are currently 3rd, 1st, 4th, 5th, and 4th.

We do a lot of dental websites, but we've done E-commerce websites, legal websites, insurance websites, and all kinds of other sites. We haven't seen a website yet that we can't get onto the first page of Google. We even have the number one spot for "love quotes," which I know all of you search so often. There are over 50,000,000 competing websites for that term.

No one even pays us until they are in the top ten Google search results for the keyword they choose.

www.elementseo.com/

Sometimes it's hard being so good at something.

I Have a Little Brother

2009-07-11T09:30:00.011-06:00

He doesn't go potty in normal locations.

Mom says he's not naughty, I still have frustrations,

because of his constant, untimely filtrations.

That boy should receive some kind of citation,

or at least be put on lengthy probation,

But Mom doesn't mind it (some crazy fixation),

she still doesn't mind

after nine months gestation.

I wrote this poem for The Daily Universe on 1 March 2007. They were too unartistic to recognize my poetic genius. Didn't they notice my perfectly strict amphibrachic tetrameter? My impeccable line breaking? The unstrainted, unassuming adult language coming from a toddler sibbling? As intuitive, self-aware, and grown-up as a child ever has been--Huck Finn, Ender Wiggins, pshaw. This is GENIUS!

I have more confidence in your taste. You will appreciate it. Am I right, or have I misplaced my trust in you as well?...

Who can a true artist confide in these days? Sheesh.

Five years!

2009-07-10T10:33:00.007-06:00

Five years today--Happy anniversary, Honey.

I can't think of a better way to spend my life than with you and the kids. You're the best.

I love you.

Remember when I couldn't visit you and propose to you in California because I had borrowed my poor widowed grandmother's only car and ruined her transmission? Or when we found out you were pregnant with Adelaide? Our "Honeymoon Week" before Joseph was born? When you spent all of our money eating out at expensive restaurants every single night?

Remember go-karts at Big Bear? Watching Winged Migration? David crashing our only reliable car because he really, really had to see his girlfriend? What was her name?

Remember our first fight? I don't.

Remember our last fight? Uh...I do. Sorry.

Remember when Joseph used to break everything? And Adelaide would laugh? That was this morning. I hope you remember.

Remember our trip to Long Beach? Me meeting your parents? You meeting mine?

I love you. I'm glad you don't mind living in a basement with me and three kids and hobbit-sized ceilings and one crummy vehicle and another crummier vehicle. And $150. Or is it -$150. I forget.

I love you.

A Techie Numbskull

2009-07-09T20:08:00.003-06:00

I am afraid of circuits, wires, LEDs, LCDs, and all things lithium.

And unfamiliar software and applications make my head pound.

But I am going to blog.

Beast eats man. Man makes spear. Man eats beast.

Uh hu-huh huh. Me can blog. Oog.